I had my first pumpkin spice latte of the year today! Funny how something so little can brighten your spirit. I love knowing that the season is about to change. The weather is still stuck in summer here in Cali, but I have hope for those blustery, crisp, sunny mornings. I’m looking forward to apple picking in the orchards of Oak Glen. I can’t wait to start making hot cocoa and apple cider. My favorite part of colder weather is the cuddling though (:
Throughout the past month, I have been trying to re-evaluate my emotions; what stirs them and how to have more control over them. As a woman, this can prove very difficult. I am a very emotionally driven individual. I have my heart on my sleeve more often times than not. Sometimes I trust too easily, and sometimes not nearly enough. I’ve begun steering myself into a more conscious state of feeling. I realize that I need to focus on where I would like to spend my psychological and spiritual energy. Most days, I feel completely worn out in every way possible. I feel like I’m spread too thin, but in reality, it’s because I’m investing my emotions in the wrong aspects of my day to day life.
If you take a few moments to quietly contemplate how your attitude has correlated with things that happen throughout your day, you can find areas which may have been filled with more worry or stress than necessary. Today I have been without my anxiety and depression medications for twenty-one days. It’s been a struggle getting here, but through all the obstacles, God has really taught me how to appreciate the little things and not to get caught up in a few short moments that won’t last.
I was focusing so much on losing weight and seeing the number decrease on the scale that I forgot about nurturing my mental health as well. Whenever I saw that I wasn’t losing weight, I was immediately getting down about that and everything else in my life. I’ve really had to take a step back and acknowledge that I’ve been abusing my time! We’re here to make something of our lives, more specifically to bring God the glory, and I refuse to take away from that focus any longer than I already have.
So with autumn coming, a new, beautiful season, a new outlook on my present and future days is also arising. I’ve felt this motivation before and I’ve talked about making similar changes as well, but it’s underway now. Moving on up and the only way to move is forward. I’ll need prayer. I’ll need encouragement. I’ll need all the mental, physical, and spiritual help that I can get! No going back now though! I see a light at the end of the tunnel and I’m following it.
There is never a day that I don’t think about how things would’ve been if our precious baby didn’t go to heaven. Our first pregnancy wasn’t planned. It was a blessed surprise and we don’t regret it happening because one day, we will get to meet our tiny one in heaven. Rafa and I both trust that God has a bigger plan and in the mean time, He will be taking care our angel baby.
As we have been healing from our traumatic experience on September 10th, 2011, we have grown even closer in our marriage. The things that we both endured in the hospital and the days after were a nightmare, but him and I made it through. If it weren’t for our faith in the Lord and love towards each other, our marriage and lives would have crumbled to ruins. You just never understand how bad things can actually be until you’re in the actual situation. It is after the storm that you decide what kind of road you will take; the upward climb toward acceptance and peace or the downward spiral leading to self-pity and hopelessness.
I had my strong bouts of depression and eventually had to seek professional help with the encouragement and positive support of my loving hubby. Even now however, some days are better than others. I work in an OB/GYN and I’m constantly surrounded by new life in the form of growing bellies and newborn babies. That can take a toll on someone who has suffered a miscarriage, but with time and plenty of prayer, it stops hurting as bad. It took a few months, but one year after the miscarriage, things finally started to adjust and we were able to start rebuilding our goals as husband and wife.
Rafa and I are now at the point when friends and family are beginning to ask us about having a baby more often than not. We’re coming up on our two-year wedding anniversary, even though it feels like it’s been at least ten years (in a good way). It’s understandable for people to be curious, but I thought I would put the current answer on blast so the question doesn’t need to be asked as much.
We are not planning to conceive again any time soon. Rafa will be finishing community college, God willing, this Fall semester. We know that surprises can obviously pop up, but we are currently taking precautions to limit those at least until he graduates. There are so many friends and family in our lives, whether they be the same age or a little bit older, having kids. That is so amazing to see and we couldn’t be happier for everyone in that boat. Right now, that just isn’t our ship to sail. We know from our personal experiences that you should never wait for things to be perfect because well, they NEVER will be, but right now, in our own marriage and walk with Christ, we’re choosing to plan as much in advance as possible.
We are currently enjoying our freedoms without children and are looking forward to fit in some special husband and wife time before we start expanding our family of two. We want to do some road trips and small vacations together. We’d like to be able to stay out as late as we can before there has to be a parent curfew. We’re also working towards practical things, such as getting our own place again and getting healthy. I definitely do NOT want to be at my current weight when I get pregnant again! My future babies deserve to have a fit mom who can chase them while playing tag and who also sets a good example of health and wellness. Overall, there are just so many moments and fun times that are waiting for us. It isn’t selfish or unwise to want to experience them while they’re here now.
So, there’s my ramble about life and planning. I just felt like I needed to get that out there before I explode at the next person who asks me if I’m pregnant. I’m just a little extra fluffy right now, OK? Haha…